As you've all been well aware, I've been venturing into new territory in terms of fashion. Not only have I been finding new inspiration in the twenties and mainstream trends, but I've been feeling a little tired with gothic fashion (and to a lesser extent with the music), and unable to feel like making an effort beyond a cursory nod to my usual monochrome colour palate. Part of it is due to the horrendous Scottish winter, which makes me want to wrap up in as many layers of knitwear as possible and hibernate, and also feeling too ill for anything more than jeans and a tee, but I've not been inspired by my usual idols in clothes or in music, and I didn't want to force it; it was weird feeling a disconnect from what has been a bit part of my life for a few years now, but it would be worse to stick it out and force myself to stay with a persona for the sake of loyalty.
I'm happy to say that, after a brief holiday, my goth side is back with a vengeance.
When coming back home after a trip away, it refreshes anew everything special about it. After I began to feel more like making an effort with life, I ended up flicking through pinterest photos of Siouxsie Sioux and listening to old Banshees hits. And rather than feeling tired and over-played, my favourite albums were refreshed and captured me again. And just like that, my enthusiasm for gothic and post punk subcultures was revived.
As goths, we often make a big deal about how it's not just a phase, and how this is a lasting passion - which is understandable, giving the amount of slander many of us have received about how we'll be back in blue denim when we get a 'real' job. But one of the things I think is most integral to any alternative lifestyle is accepting that it may well be a phase, and not being afraid to drop everything and chase inspiration or sit down the make up and put something else on the record player. As a result of my period of wandering, I've not only rekindled an old love, but also given myself more ideas and stimuli than ever from areas I didn't expect.
Just as important as not being afraid to step away from well trodden paths, the experience made me think about what goth means to me. Many of my friends don't understand the dichotomy between music and fashion in the subculture, and how integral fashion is to the goth scene. I could relate it to dressing for the occasion, but it's more central than that; it's dressing for how you feel. Gothic music, the beating heart and backbone and soul of the movement, is dark and twisting, and has a wrenching beauty that's almost painful. It takes me up in that and makes me feel dark and mysterious and something more than mundane, as silly as that sounds, and I want to represent that in how I dress. There's a delicate balance between beauty and ugliness in goth fashion which is translated from the music; not only does goth challenge what you consider beauty to be, it forces you to think about whether beauty is even important or not. I rarely get compliments when I'm looking particularly gothic, and often get told I 'look so much nicer with lighter make up'. But I don't mind, even if those comments are a little insensitive, because it's not them I'm dressing for.
I'm glad I stood back from goth and considered it. It's made me far happier in my own skin, and more aware of its importance to me.
Fee
